Wednesday, August 27, 2008

more fantasy league politics


the second person i’d draft, on election day for fantasy league politics (right behind the coach: czar of budget) would be the minister of get-off-of-your-behind-and-do-something. this cabinet position would also be know as mr. cause & effect. in this position, i would draft michael phelps. not because he’s a great athlete. not because he’s won 14 gold medals. not because he’s the greatest olympian of the modern games. no sir. he would be my pick because of his diet. this guy eats 12,000 calories a day! check out this sample food list: for breakfast -three fried egg sandwiches; cheese; tomatoes; lettuce; fried onions; mayonnaise; three chocolate-chip pancakes; five-egg omelet; three sugar-coated slices of french toast; bowl of grits; two cups of coffee; for lunch - half-kilogram (one pound) of enriched pasta; two large ham and cheese sandwiches with mayonnaise on white bread; energy drinks; for dinner - half-kilogram of pasta, with sauce; large pizza; energy drinks. doesn’t he realize these foods are unhealthy? these foods cause heart disease and love handles? why does he eat in such an unhealthy manner? because he can. how could he do this and still weigh 187lbs and have 8% body fat? because he got off his behind and did something. every day. cause. effect. you eat this much, you gotta work out hard to avoid the big one and look like a chick magnet. if you spend five hours a day swimming, you can eat this way too. and i bet you’ll approximate the abs of a greek god or goddess within the year. we don’t need health nazis and government regulation of folks’ food consumption. instead, what we need is a shining example of cause & effect, like michael phelps, my first choice for minister of get-off-your-behind-and-do-something!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

the perfect storm?


for my money the best ticket in town has got to be wednesday night in denver. barry o’s camp made a tactical error in giving michigan and florida full votes and allowing a roll call vote on the floor. two things we know about the clintons – they are not quitters and they do not like to lose. to paraphrase nuke laloosh: “you know, winning; it’s like, better than losing.” there’s a storm a brewin’ and its name ain’t gustav.

Monday, August 25, 2008

coach's purse-strings



wouldn’t it be fun to put together a “fantasy team” for politics? i’m not sure how you’d do an “election day” or what sort of point system you’d have, what the “positions” would be, or even how long the season would last. but the idea intrigues me. and i know you’ve all put together a fantasy list of who you’d put in charge of what if you were “managing” the “team”. or maybe i’m out standing in my field all alone on this one. but anywho . . . if i were in charge, i would appoint an acquaintance of mine who we’ll call “coach” to the position we’ll call minister of finances. check that. maybe call it czar of budgets. but anyway, coach in real life is a man who is the assistant baseball coach at a university and could really show the collective congress a thing or two about budget control. this is a man who will stop a team bus between two fast food joints and tell the boys to wait in the bus until he gets back from negotiating with the two chains. in one particular instance i know of, the boys all ate taco bell instead of burger king because the taco bell folks would feed the bus drivers AND the coaches free if the team ate there. burger king would only feed the drivers free. now get this. even though coach got a daily meal stipend from the university, he negotiated a free meal for himself. and on top of securing a free meal, he ordered three bean burritos and a drink because that’s all it took to fill him up. the guy could’ve gotten ANYTHING on the menu for FREE! but he didn’t. he got what would fill him up. so, as i sip on the champagne of beers and ponder my ideal political universe, i’d like to toast the coach, the guy i would appoint as czar of the budget on my political fantasy team.